I dream of one day having a house big enough to store all the things I wish I had. I collect a few things already; shot glasses, hair accessories, Escada perfume bottles, sunglasses and things with butterflies on. But there are so many things I wish I could hoard alongside those. Las Vegas memorabilia, vintage movie posters, Varga girl prints, vintage sewing patterns…and the latest, limited edition Barbies.

I first went through this phase about five years ago, when I wrote a feature on the evolution of Barbie as part of my final University project. Jenni bought me a book full of collectors (ie adult) Barbie dolls and I became obsessed. I used to search ebay on a daily basis trying to find the doll I still maintain will be the basis of my collection. The rule was I couldn’t buy any more until I had this one. It’s Barbie dressed in the Dior ‘New Look’ suit from 1947. The Ultimate Fashion Moment in miniature, if you will. Who cares if Babs is genetically impossible and so busty she’ll fall over. She looks good in couture.

Yep, even I sometimes worry that I am becoming a parody of myself.

Anyway, if anyone knows how I can get hold of it, that’d be lovely. It’s my birthday in a couple of weeks…

ps. Dear eBay sellers, those ’40s style tea dresses’ you’re selling as vintage for upwards of a tenner? We know they’re from BHS in the early 90s. They’re still ugly.

Fact: Digressica’s post about London knife crime says everything I want to say about London knife crime, but in a much funnier way. If I address the subject, I am likely to lapse into a long rambling post about my knife / blade phobia, which will involve me saying things like ‘but I don’t have problems buttering my toast’. Nobody wants that.

So, onto something a little more fluffy, because that’s what is expected of me. I have a question. I’m slowly becoming an old lady, so I figured it was time to embrace that. I knit. I sew. I buy cider so I can put it in Somerset pork casserole, rather than so I can get ratted mid-week.

Next up, I figure I need to hone my ballroom dancing skills. That seems like the logical next step, no?

I’m ok with latin. I did a fair interpretation of the Cha Cha Cha with my dad at a dance a few weeks ago (no, you really did just read that right) so I’m ready to move up in the world. Where can I learn to do the American Smooth? I want to be like Kelly Brook (left), all Ava Gardner curls and Marilyn curves and amazing frocks.

I will need a partner, of course. Preferably someone who looks like William Holden and dances like Fred Astaire.

Email me if you can help…